| If you want a surefire way to get over a nasty hangover that say, for example, you got by drinking waaaay too much at your cousin's 21st, in front of the entire extended family (at least those living in Sydney) with a guy you kept calling "king" and, you hope, your cousin, my advice is get in the car, pick up soft drinks and booze, drive to Wiseman's Ferry, park the car at the Able Houseboat carpark/backyard, hop on a houseboat, carry that shit using only your left hand so that you look hard in front of...guys, drop the shit off and massage your shoulder for about an hour (whilst in solitude of course, you don't wanna look soft in front of...guys), get onto the top deck of the boat and lay there baking your already caramel skin so that you're darker than that Lindt 70% cocoa chocolate they got out there, break into the carton....before midday, try and cook frozen steaks.....without defrosting them first, drink some more so you can barely taste the blood that's gushing out of the hopefully-deceased ass of the probably once-merry cow from which the slab of meat came, start to slur your words and talk crap to the fellas (all in an Irish accent), fall asleep, wake up because that bit of cow ass you ate before is threatening to come back up if you don't shove something solid down your throat to push it back into that dark, acidic, rank smelling pit otherwise known as your stomach, eat some salty-as stew and then wolf down a loaf of bread to counteract the saltiness of the aforementioned stew, go out in a motorised dinghy and unsuccessfully try and catch...anything, even jellyfish, get back and see our friend reel in a HUUUUGE BITCH (in his eyes anyway...) and watch him systematically beat the living shit out of it with what could only be described as a solid, metallic nightstick, engage in a game of dice, where the loser of each round is punished, (The punishment started off as coke-sculling, then beer-sculling, then a sip of a nasty ass concoction consisting of beer, hot chocolate, coke, beer, water, italian herbs, salt, pepper, vegemite, barbecue sauce and a glow stick), laugh uncontrollably as one of your friends, after taking his third sip, gags, spits out the sip, and then proceeds to spit out what you can only assume to be stew + bread + rare steak + stomach acid, try and clean up the mess, only to gag yourself and decide against it, drink the last remaining beers and sit on the upper deck (under the protection of a mosquito net you got for yr 7 camp - old skool!) and start talking shit again, this time in a half Irish, half Indian accent (don't ask yourself how you do it, just accept your gift and be thankful your gift isn't producing pimples and blackheads at will....although you're pretty good at that too...), go to bed earlier than you have in over a month, wake up roughly 9 hrs later and having at least devoured 4 small moths during the night, check the fishing lines and wake up someone else so you can kick the mini soccer ball you've been missing for the past 2-3 months around, kick the ball overboard, hop in the dinghy by yourself and forget about the fact that the dinghy is MOTORISED and try and row to recover the ball, get dizzy because you keep rowing in circles, finally get the hang of it half an hour later and recover the ball, row back just in time for breakfast (spaghetti and baked beans, SPAM!!, scrambled eggs, leftover stew), hop in the dinghy again, this time using the motor, with one of your mates for a joy ride and to try and get some boat gridion practise in, get stale bread thrown at you from the bastards on the boat, notice that soggy bread also makes for very neat throwing weaponry, get back onto the boat after an hour of some intense bread warfaring, see 2 of your friends hop in and plan your next wave of attack, now using river water, and successfully drench the unsuspecting pair now helpless in the dinghy, with cowardice their only weapon, decide to up the ante and add salt and pepper into the water, watch joyously as they admit defeat and return, heads bowed, and take up attacking positions on the boat whilst you and 2 of your fellow now take up positions in the dinghy and start to scoop up the sludge stash that has built up at the bottom of the dinghy, try and go on the offensive with a couple of hit and run moves, only to be betrayed by the dodgy steering of the motor and run straight into the side of the boat, try and dodge the barrage of frozen eggs that are being pelted your way, try and throw some of the unbroken ones back at the boat, take a good look at the boat and realise that the mess you've just made isn't going to clean itself, get back on the boat and spend the next 2-3 hours trying to clean egg and soggy bread off the sides of the boat, get back onto the upper deck and chillax just a bit more whilst the boat slowly makes its way back to shore, decide that you need to prove your manliness a little more and start shadow boxing with the antenna on the upper deck, hit the antenna and get flicked in the face while you're wearing glasses so that the glasses get knocked off and fall into the water, sinking straight to the bottom, try and dismantle the antenna so you can break it in half, realise that the antenna is stronger than you and give it the respect it deserves, lie back on the upper deck and realise that you've needed this weekend for quite some time now, considering the week that you've just had, and that this needs to be done again, fairly soon hopefully.... Of course, you could always overcome the hangover by drinking a lot of orange juice and tea, your choice really.... |
